HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

We here at the HHSFFL would like to wish all you and all of your families a very Happy Thanksgiving today.  In the spirit of the day, here are some things that I'm thankful for...

MICHELLE BEISNER

SHAKE & BAKE
At 7-4, it will be tough for Shake & Bake to miss the playoffs.  But mismanagement and injuries have allowed a lot of room for doubt about this franchise's chances of success in the post season.  Last weekend was a devastating one.  Not only did Shake & Bake head coach, Cal Naughton Jr. leave Matt Schaub and his 42 points on the bench, they also lost first round draft choice Rob Gronkowski to injury.

KANE IS ABLE
Doug Martin and Calvin Johnson have emerged in the second half of the season to give Kane is Able a legitimate shot at the C-Cup.  This makes Jenn Sterger happy.  See?

FORGOTTEN GODS
Could the Gods miss the playoffs for the second straight year?  It's entirely possible as they'll likely have to win their remaining two games to make it in.  Can you spell N-I-T?

MEAN MACHINE GRAEBER
This team needs to fire it's GM immediately.  A solid draft night and the first pick in the draft were wasted by bad trades.  Remember when they had Aaron Rodgers and Julio Jones?  Ahh, those were the days.  

LINDSAY SOTO

MAD MEN
Heeee's baaaack!  Aaron Hernandez returns to action tonight and returns to the Mad Men who, at 8-3, have already locked up their division and a trip to the post-season.   They may have been the beneficiaries of some poor performances by opponents, but a win is a win.  It's tough to point to any one player or statistic, but this team just seems to have "it".  A final four team with the potential to win it all.

SPORT OF KINGS
The trade guru of the HHSFFL, Flanagan has looked at more deals than a pit boss in Vegas.  Despite stealing Julio Jones as well as Graeber's wallet from the Mean Machine, the Sport of Kings still need things to break their way in order to make the playoffs.

DELTA HOUSE
Scored just 39 points last week, the 5th lowest total ever by a team in HHSFFL history.  The Mad Men didn't complain.  Still, I have to admit, they look good on paper.  Does that count for anything?

TMIFFTITW
Bitten hard by the injury bug, this has been a tough season for TMIFFTITW.  If some guy get healthy, don't count them out of the NIT.  Where is Demetrius Williams when you need him? 

ALEX FLANAGAN

VANDELAY INDUSTRIES
Tom Brady, AJ Green, Demaryius Thomas, and CJ Spiller.  All are top 7 at their respective positions and all will be playing for the C-Cup in five weeks.  This was my pre-season pick to win it all and I'm sticking by it.  Next year I'm drafting from a remote location too.

GREEN MONSTER
The injury to QB#6 might have been the worst thing in the world for the Green Monster.  QB#6 treated Brandon Marshall like his binky and threw him the ball 2983798 times a game.  But if he can't go, and with Jason Campbell injured, the Bears would be reliant on Josh McCown.  Bahahahahahahaha!

COBRA KAI DOJO
Just 1-4 since bringing in QB#6.  The guy is just a cancer in any locker room.

WASHINGTON SENTINELS
NIT!  NIT!  NIT!  These guys just can't get it right.  After a promising draft night, the Sentinels faced bouts with injuries and poor performances.  But the real kicker is that the Sentinels seem to keep facing opponents on their best weeks.  The Sentinels have had more points scored against them than any other team in the league.  I don't know why, but someone upstairs seems to really dislike this group. 

JENN BROWN

 

 What do these three players all have in common?  They are top five talents at their respective positions and they were all traded into the Jenn Brown Division.  

KEARNEY-VORES

After trading for Aaron Rodgers, the Vores went on a seven week winning streak to take over first place in the division.  The only problem is that this record is all smoke and mirrors.   They are 7-0 against  teams outside their division, but 0-4 within the division.  They'll make the playoffs, and probably win a game or two.  But I don't have them marked as real contenders.

MORLOCK NATION

This season has been a war of attrition for the defending champs.  Looking at this team on paper doesn't exactly strike fear into anyone.  But for some reason they just keep winning.  Call it luck, call it talent, call it the "it" factor, but this team just knows how to win.  I don't think they are the favorites, but certainly a dark horse to repeat as champs.

BAYSIDE HIGH TIGERS

Quarterback play has been a glaring weakness for this squad.  But they also have the unfortunate tendency to put out some of their worst games in some of their biggest weeks.  In last weekend's divisional match up, the Tigers had four players score five points or less.  This is not championship caliber football.

HAWKEYE NATION

The Nation has two tough match ups to finish the season and needs to at least split to have a chance at the playoffs.  Adrian Peterson might have been a steal on draft day, but Matthew Stafford and Mike Wallace haven't lived up to expectations and Antonio Gates and Pierre Garcon have been flat out busts.  

POTENTIAL PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

Has an entire division, in any sport, ever all made the playoffs in the same year?  Because that's exactly what's likely to happen in the HHSFFL this year.  The Jenn Brown Division currently boasts four teams with winning records.  It's basically the fantasy version of SEC Football.  The 13 week fantasy season is long and grueling.  For some, the tougher schedule helps build chemistry and prepare for post season play.  For others, it's simply about survival and hoping injuries and attrition don't end your fun prematurely.  Several owners know this feeling all to well. 

HERE'S WHAT MY TEAM DID THIS WEEKEND...

How'd you guys do?  Anyone else have their team shit the bed this weekend?

BAYSIDE HIGH WELCOMES A NEW ADDITION

In a last-minute trade pulled off between the Cobra Kai Dojo and the Bayside High Tigers, Vernon Davis was dealt to the Tigers in exchange for Denario Alexander and Martellus Bennett.  Sensei Kreese and Mr. Belding had been working the phones all night to get this deal done before game time today.  The Tigers nearly had to face division rival Morlock Nation with only seven active players.  Thus, while Davis has had a disappointing stretch over the last few weeks, any contribution he can muster this week will be an added bonus.

While the Cobra Kai owner could not be reached for comment due to some legal matters (read post below) he did release the following tweet, "I can't believe Greco offered me something for this guy.  He know Colin Kaepernick is playing QB, right?"  When asked what they saw in Davis, the Bayside High owner referred to Davis' athleticism.  "Vernon keeps himself in peak physical shape.  He and I  worked together in the off season and we have similar physiques.  So I know the kinds of things he is capable of.  At Bayside, Vernon will have every opportunity to showcase his skills and reach his potential.  Hopefully, he'll help bring home a couple of C-Cups as well."

COBRA KAI BAD BOY ARRESTED

The owner of the Cobra Kai Dojo has been arrested on charges of pick-pocketing and stealing an old woman's purse.  This is just one more event in a long string of arrests, tarnished reputations, and suspected cheating and foul play.  Known as the self-proclaimed Bad Boys of the HHSFFL, Cobra Kai has worked hard to live up to that reputation.  They've even gone out of their way to claim troubled players such as this guy...

...who came under fire earlier this year for bumping into and screaming at one of his offensive linemen.  Just look at that picture...how scared does that cat look?

UPDATED STORY:  The Cobra Kai front office has released a statement claiming that all charges against their owner are bogus.  He was not arrested.  That was simply a story spread by a fake tabloid website looking to generate traffic.  The purse, in actuality, belonged to Mr. Golden.  Honestly, after taking a closer look at that shirt, I'm not surprised.

NICKY WHELAN IS SAD ABOUT THE TIGERS INJURIES

Bayside High fan Nicky Whelan is feeling a bit down about her beloved Tigers recently.  Ever since the Jones-Drew injury she's just been moping around the SoCal beaches hoping that Daryl Richardson can sneak in a few miracle plays.  I think I should go console her...

JOB POST

POSITION:  Long Term Sub for HHSFFL Commissioner & Blogger

DESCRIPTION OF DUTIES 

• Keep your team around .500.  This way its good enough that people don't make fun of you too much but it's low enough that no one accuses you of tampering.
• Write ridiculous blog posts that only a few people understand the humor in and anyone outside the HHSFFL would think are worthy of a psychiatric evaluation.
• Host Draft Night (Must be Technologically Literate)
• Change your team name every year like it's going to bring you better luck.
• Make sure one of your top draft picks either massively under-performs or gets injured. 

BASE SALARY:  - $100 (Who are we kidding, you're not getting it back) But achievement bonuses are available.

RECORD BREAKING PERFORMANCE

Well it must really suck to root for the Sentinels.  You finally think your team is going to compete this year.  Draft night was like election night...filled with promise and hope of a successful season.  HHSFFL analysts had given the Sentinels strong draft grades across the board and predicted a playoff run....

...And then this shit happens.  Doug Martin just goes out and rushes for 251 yards and 4 touchdowns, scoring an HHSFFL record 56 points.  Martin almost beat the Sentinels by himself.  I don't know whether to laugh or send FEMA over to the Sentinels facility. 

KEARNEY...SO HOT RIGHT NOW!

After losing the first three games of the season, the KearneyVores have managed to turn things around.  Winners of six straight, they currently find themselves sitting in first place and earning the approval of fashion mogul, Mugatu.  As the newest KearneyVore season ticket holder, Mugatu has thrown his full support behind the team and has even accepted a consulting position within the teams' public relations office.  A recent tweet KearneyVores owner announced Mugatu's hiring and alluded to new uniforms for his team this weekend.  A source deep inside the organization was able to smuggle out these drafts of potential game-day jerseys.

Of course...the Steelers already used uniforms from Mugatu's line last weekend...

MOSS GUARANTEES VICTORY FOR SENTINELS

Washington Sentinels fans are thrilled to have Santana Moss back in town after he was picked up off the waiver wire last week.  He rewarded the Sentinels in his first game back by catching two balls for 80 yards and a touchdown.  However, it looks like he may have celebrated a bit too hard following that performance as he struggled the following week.  After a sit down meeting with Coach Jack McGinty, where the veteran receiver was disciplined for his actions, a refocused and recomitted Moss has been present at practice this week.  Facing the struggling Mean Machine this week, Moss has guaranteed victory in the science department rivalry.  Moss tweeted "Thrilled to be back.  Going to repay ownership with a win over that chump Graeber."

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF A GUY WHO WAS TRADED AND THEN THREW 6 TOUCHDOWNS AGAINST HIS FORMER TEAM?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

POWER RANKINGS

We are through the first five weeks of the HHSFFL season and, while there is a lot of football left to be played, the cream is starting to rise to the top.  Here are the current Power Rankings according to the fans who voted.

THE CONTENDERS
1.)  MORLOCK NATION:  At 5-0 and defending champs, you can't put anyone else here until these guys get knocked off the pedestal. 

2.)  VANDALAY INDUSTRIES:  Currently tops in the Alex Flanagan Division, Art Vandalay is loving his chances this season.

3.)  BAYSIDE HIGH TIGHERS:  Winners of four straight and highest scoring team in the HHSFFL.  Greco might have finally found himself a winner. 

4.)  MAD MEN:  Sitting pretty at 4-1 with a 1.5 game lead in their division.  The only reason they aren't higher is they are coming off their first loss. 


PLAYOFF BOUND
5.)  SPORT OF KINGS:  Despite only two wins, they are one of only two teams averaging triple digits this season.

6.)  COBRA KAI:  QB6 hasn't been there long enough to be a malcontent yet.  But his influence will soon take effect.

7.)  SHAKE & BAKE:  Playing in the JV division, they are the last team with a winning record. 

8.)  GREEN MONSTER:  Despite the losing record, this team is going to turn it around.  They have  been on the wrong end of a few high weeks, but are third in the league in points scored.


NIT FAVORITES
9.)   DELTA HOUSE:  Flexed their muscles with 149 points last week. 

10.)  KEARNEY-VORES: Newly acquired Aaron Rodgers...Can he turn the season around?

11.)  WASHINGTON SENTINELS:  Welcome home Santana Moss. 

12.)  KANE IS ABLE:  At some point Calvin Johnson will start putting up Calvin Johnson numbers, right?


CELLAR DWELLERS
13.)   FORGOTTEN GODS:  Bitten hard by the injury bug, but with Forte returning to form can he return the Gods to prominence? 

14.)  HAWKEYE NATION:  Unfortunately playing in the toughest division, but still losers of 4 in a row.

15.)  TMIFFTITW:  Calling Demetrius Williams out of retirement might be their only chance.

16.)  MEAN MACHINE:  A slow start led to a couple of questionable trades.  Mean Machine might have hit the panic button a bit prematurely.  Word on the street is that this has been a consistent problem for this franchise.

JULIO JONES TRADED FOR A PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY?

Ok, first of all, I know this post is a week late.  But I couldn't let this go by without commenting. 

So this is what a top 15 receiver goes for now?  Seriously?  Graeber...what happened?!  Did your finger slip on the mouse?  Had you been drinking?  I'm confused.  Help me understand. 

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM FORGOTTEN GODS

  
Following the controversial defeat at the hands of the Tigers, the Gods are taking the high road and have issued a public statement. 

"Congratulations to the Bayside Tigers, who got their first win ever against the Forgotten Gods. A spokesperson for the Gods said today that the team will not lodge a complaint based on the mysterious scoring change that occurred over night to give the Tigers the victory. Nor will they comment on the Cowboys defense being penalized for giving up 14 points due to Tony Romo's two pick sixes while the defense was on the sidelines. Instead, the Gods would like to wish the Tigers well and to acknowledge that if they keep up this winning streak against the Gods, the Tigers will have the better head to head record in 2017. The Gods would also like to thank Kate Upton for her kind words and would like to let her know that we are considering her offer to do "anything she can" to help the Gods through this difficult season." 

No word yet on whether or not Kate Upton has actually been in contact with the Gods.  But she did release the following tweet last night, "I'm so very happy my Tigers won!  I wish it weren't clouded under the controversy of a scoring glitch.  But the God's are a great team and I have nothing but respect for that organization."

The Tigers organization, meanwhile, has refused to discus last weekends game and is instead focused on their week 5 opponent, Kane is Able. 

QB6 RUN OUT OF TOWN

Bayside has officially cut ties with QB6 after he posted a total of 6 points over two weeks.  Mr. Belding, head of player personnel, simply felt that he had not lived up to expectations and immediate expulsion was necessary.  It did not take the disgruntled quarterback long to find another suitor.  Cobra Kai is very excited to welcome their new addition who has already begun training for the All-Valley Karate Championships. 

BAYSIDE REJOICES!

After beating the arch rival Forgotten Gods, Bayside High fans are rejoicing like they just won the Superbowl.  It wasn't a convincing win, and both teams when to bed thinking the game had ended in a tie.  However, an official scoring change overnight gave the Bayside Tigers a two-point victory.  Yet, they are dancing on the beaches in Southern California.  I'd say someone should tell them it's only week 5, but does anyone want to Kate Upton to stop dancing?  Let's be honest.

NEW CONCESSIONS AVAILABLE!

The Green Monster franchise has joined a growing trend sweeping through many stadiums around the league by providing more concession options for their fans.  Sure to be a hit with younger fans, below is an image of the new Green Monster Cupcake line that will be available this coming weekend.  

Other stadiums around the league have tried to increase profits by providing a few more upscale options.  For example, the culinary director at Sterling Cooper Stadium, home of the Mad Men, has developed a new chicken wing platter with an exotic twist. 

Cobra Kai Dojo, known for its lack of selection, has recently added some canned goods that fans can buy and cook themselves on hotplates.  Sales are still surprisingly slow at this point, however.

The Bayside High Tigers have recently looked south of the border for a modern twist on an old classic.  Tiger's fan Kate Upton seems to be enjoying it.

...And yes, this whole "food blog" thing was just an excuse to post another animation of Kate Upton.  Any complaints?

A RIVALRLY RENEWED

The Forgotten Gods and the Bayside High Tigers is unquestionably the oldest, and most heated rivalry in the HHSFFL.  It's the game every HHSFFL fan circles on their calendar each and every season as soon the schedule comes out.  Sports bars and pubs schedule extra staff and stock up on wings and cheap beer in anticipation of the record breaking crowds.  Advertising agencies plan their quarterly numbers on this weekends commercials.  And celebrities and politicians come out of nowhere to chime in with their meaningless predictions.

There is no love lost between these two franchises.  The hatred dates all the way back to the Gods' controversial win in the first HHSFFL Superbowl on what has since become known as the Catch Heard Round the World.  Larry Fitzgerald has been forced to travel with added security in the Bayside city limits ever since that day.  Granted, the Gods are two time HHSFFL champions.  Granted, the Tigers have never beaten the Gods.  And granted, "The Panther" is still the coolest nickname in the league.  But this year feels like it could be different. 

The Gods have traditionally been a feared franchise, known for finding big time value in the middle rounds of the draft.  However, after missing the playoffs last year and off to a pedestrian 1-2 start this season, the Gods just seem to lack that championship swagger, especially with team captain Matt Forte unlikely to suit up this weekend.  Meanwhile, the Tigers are quietly on pace to break every scoring record in the HHSFFL.  And that's despite basically playing 8 on 9 each week with QB6 looking more like a pouting seven year old than an NFL quarterback.  So, here it is...

BOLD PREDICTION:  This is the year the Tigers actually turn this into two-sided rivalry...or at least start to.  Just look how excited Kate Upton is about the Tigers this season.  She can...barely...um...contain herself.

KEARNEY-VORES & PRESTIGE WORLD WIDE UNITE

In an effort to expand the teams fan base, the Kearney-Vores have partnered with huge multinational corporation, Prestige Worldwide.  Not all members of the Kearney-Vores are happy about this move.  Kearney-Vores quarterback, Cam Newton, said in his postgame press conference Thursday night that if he were a fan that he would be "hanging his head in shame."  Prestige Worldwide's most notable product is the hit single "Boats & Hos" (Music Video Seen Below) which doesn't necessarily violate the HHSFFL's code of conduct but certainly isn't the image the league wants to set forth either.

As the Catalina Wine mixer approaches this fall, one can't help but wonder if the Kearney-Vore front office is more concerned with winning fantasy games or performing on stage.

SHAKE & BAKE SPLIT LOCKER ROOM?

There appears to a rift developing in the Shake & Bake locker room as some team members don't feel as though all players have approached the season with the proper focus and intensity.  In fact, rookie Alfred Morris seems to be the only player who began the season in playing shape and with the right attitude.  I mean, I had more rushing yards than DeAngelo Williams this week.  Seriously...so did you.  Gronk muffed his usually dependable touchdown spike, which suggests he really did spend too much time partying this summer.  Not that I really blame him.  But it could be a long season for Shake and Bake if Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr. can't right the ship. 

PUBLIC APOLOGY

Well, I tried to be the bigger man and publicly support my players.  But I just can't do it.  I can't lie to myself and I can't lie to the fans of the HHSFFL.  I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my indiscretion.  I got caught up in the moment and said some things I shouldn't have.  You all deserve better from me.  I'm sorry.  I'm officially off the QB6 train.  I was right the first time.  This guy is just downright terrible. 

I'm not sure if the image above is me watching my fantasy team just completely implode or if its QB6 crying about his protection last night.  Honestly, what do you think is going to happen when you hold the ball in the pocket for 48 seconds with Clay Matthews rushing from the outside?  Did you not think he was blitzing?  Did you think that fat excuse for a left tackle was going to block him for a minute straight?  Yell at him some more, that seemed to help.  Didn't look like the Packers' secondary needed much luck covering your binky Brandon Marshall last night either.  The guy was completely taken out of the game to the point where he couldn't even catch a ball when he was open.  Please for the love of God, someone make sure Mike Tice tells his quarterback what color jerseys his receivers are wearing next week.  There seemed to be some confusion about that last night.

QB6 vs. AARON RODGERS

 

 Which guy would you rather have quarterbacking your team tonight?  One guy looks like he probably dated the head cheerleader, while the other looks like he could have been the head cheerleader.  One guy looks like one of those losers who always whine about their best while the other is a winner that goes home and fucks the prom queen.  I'm not saying which is which...but only of these guys is engaged to this girl...

Just sayin...

MORLOCK NATION DOMINANT

So is Morlock Nation just the beginning of a fantasy football dynasty or is Frey force feeding his players performance enhancing drugs?  I mean, they dominate the entire league last year ripping off a record 11-2 regular season en route to winning the C-Cup.  Then they start off this season by going out and winning high week.  After a deep post-season run and a late draft position, most teams would still be trying to get over their championship hangover.  Not Morlock Nation.  They go out and put up 112 points to reassert their dominance and put the rest of the league on notice.  Enjoy playing for second place everybody.  The rest of the season may just be a formality. 

NO MERCY!

News out of the Cobra Kai camp this week is that team owner Jay Golden is not pleased with his teams performance despite a 99-95 win.  Golden reportedly ripped team president, Terry Silva, and his head coach, Sensei Kreese in a closed doors meeting earlier this week calling them quote "a jabroni" and "a turkey".  Silva had been quite vocal on Twitter throughout the pre-season with a lot of trash talking about his team's chances this season.  While four points is enough of a margin to give the Cobra Kai a 1-0 record, it was apparently too close for comfort.  Known for running a tightly regimented organization, Golden put everyone on notice this week that their jobs were in danger if they allow Vandalay Industries to keep the game close.  Silva and Kreese will likely be looking to sweep the leg early and often to test these replacement officials. 

HAPPY FOOTBALL SEASON EVERYONE!

It's finally here!  The first of 20 consecutive football Sundays!  I'm excited, the fans are excited, and two players in Pittsburgh are very, very, excited. 

THE TALENTED MRS. ROMO

Candice Crawford, the 2008 Miss Missouri winner and current Mrs. Romo, is doing her part to garner team support for the Delta House this season.  Despite a disappointing draft position, the members of Delta Tau Chi are standing behind the team's biggest supporter.  I would have to imagine they are enjoying the view.