A CHAMPION IS CROWNED...IS A DYNASTY BORN?

It's going to be a very Merry Christmas indeed for the citizens of Morlock Nation.  The winners of their second C-Cup in two years, Morlock Nation cruised to an easy victory over defending champion Shake and Bake.  By 4:00 on Sunday, the rest of the games were just a formality and a new dynasty is on the verge of being born.  Of course, being able to grab Jamaal Charles with the number three pick helped, Morlock Nation orchestrated the waiver wire like an accomplished maestro, picking up Phillip Rivers and Alshon Jeffery.  And to anyone that finds themselves dismayed with an 8-5 wildcard team winning the most prized trophy in all of sports, consider this.  The two of the three highest scoring teams went head to head in the finals and four of the top five scoring teams made it to the semi-finals.  In short, the best teams played each other and no one can argue that Morlock Nation wasn't the best of the best.  Congratulations Morlock Nation, and thank you for bringing the C-Cup back to the its rightful home at the high school.

OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

So let me tell you a story about a man so excited to be one of the top seeds in the HHSFFL Playoffs that he ran into the gym...in the middle of a try out...on cut day...gave a hyena-like laugh, and awkwardly ran out about as fast as he could.  Well, Karma is a sultry bitch.  The first playoff appearance by the Little Giants had a Good vs. Evil feel to it ever since the final standings were set.  It was David vs. Goliath.  It was the 2001 Superbowl, where, as Mr. Kraft so eloquently stated, "Tonight, we are all Patriots."  Well, last weekend, we were all Little Giants.  And this Cinderella story isn't over yet.  America loves an underdog and fans all across the HHSFFL are jumping on the Little Giants bandwagon.  Here's to hoping they can get two more wins before the clock strikes midnight.

KEARNEY VORES SUPERFAN

I really just wanted an excuse to post this picture again.  It's perfect.  

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

We here at the HHSFFL Headquarters would like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.  This time of year we like to take a moment and consider the things we are thankful for.  In no particular order, here are a few things the HHSFFL Employees have listed.

Wings & Beer

Sexy Bartenders

Naps

Muffed Punts

This Guy

Belly Button Rings

Lower Back Tattoos

NFL Redzone

Mustaches

Bacon

Bayside High Tigers Fans

And, of course....Fantasy Football

WEEK 12 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK EIGHT POWER RANKINGS 

1. Kearney Vores - You need to get up pretty early in the morning to beat the Kearney Vores...literally.  He gets up at 4:45 every Wednesday to clean up anyone that cleared waivers.  
2. Shake & Bake - Padding their stats against the JV division.
3. Green Monster - Sometimes the best strategy is to get lucky as all hell with your weekly match ups.  
4. Morlock Nation - If one team gets lucky with match ups, that means someone gets the shaft.  
5. TMIFFTITW - I have to admit...I had a bad feeling about my season when they took Reggie Bush with pick 17.  I'm not bitter or anything though.
6. Bayside High Tigers - No one achieves mediocrity like this bunch.
7. Mean Machine - This team inspires less confidence than the owners wardrobe.
8. Mad Men - Crippled by injuries, toughest schedule in the league, still hanging on to the 8th playoff spot.
9. Little Giants - No one was angrier about that tie last week.
10. Forgotten Gods - By my fake, pretend, gorilla math...this team is officially out of the playoffs.
11. Morlock Nation - A master of the waiver wire and scratching himself.
12. Necessary Roughness - Hey, remember that 147 points in week one?  Because no one else does.
13. Kane is Able - Cursed from draft day...sooner or later we all learn to steer clear of QB6.
14. Vandalay Industries - T-Rich is in the running for Biggest Bust of the Year 
15. Hawkeye Nation - Rebuilding years are tough...especially in non-keeper leagues.
16. Cobra Kai Dojo - Don't worry...it will all be over soon.

KANE IS ABLE COSTUME CONTEST WINNER

Well at least that's not creepy.  

SHAKE & BAKE FAN OF THE WEEK

It's good to be the champ.

HHSFFL WIRED FOR SOUND

In an effort to bring our fans ever closer to this great game, the HHSFFL has wired all of its players and coaches for sound over the course of the season.  Here are some of the highlights caught on video.  

TOM BRADY ARRIVES IN BAYSIDE

Tom Brady, fresh off his bye week has arrived in Bayside and the fans couldn't be happier.  In fact, they are joyfully dancing in front of nondescript white walls in celebration.  In an early morning radio interview, Brady expressed his excitement in coming back to Southern California, not far from where he grew up.  "The fans here are just so...enthusiastic" he stated.

BY POPULAR DEMAND

In response to the popularity of the Bayside Tigers Fan of the Week promotion, several other franchises have begun their own searches for spirited followers.  Their efforts have yielded mixed results, which will, of course, be shared with you over the next several weeks.  

MORLOCK NATION FAN OF THE WEEK

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

TRADE DEADLINE LOOMING

The HHSFFL Trade Deadline is WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13 at Noon.  And while you contemplate the horrible decisions some of you are about to make, enjoy this compilation of people who have it worse than you do.

ICEBOX SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY

The Little Giants, despite their record, are dealing with controversy in their locker room.  Apparently Becky "Ice Box" O'Shea has been dismissed from the team for an undisclosed length of time for excessively hazing teammate Junior Floyd.  Head Coach Danny O'Shea has declined comment as it is now a league matter.  The HHSFFL Commissioner released a statement through his office a short while ago.

"The HHSFFL and I are deeply disappointed by the actions that occurred in the Little Giants locker room.  Hazing is something we do not condone and take very seriously.  Any consequences that may be handed down will not be decided until the investigation is complete.  In the meantime, we support the Little Giants' decision to dismiss the accused party."

Junior Floyd is a talented rookie, and has accused Ice Box of forcing him to pay $15,000 for her trip to Las Vegas.  In addition, Floyd has turned over the tapes from his answering machine to the HHSFFL investigation team, stating they contain threatening and racially insensitive messages.  Ice Box claims she was just flirting.

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE

Adam Schefter has reported a blockbuster trade in the HHSFFL today.  The Forgotten Gods finally got their wish to send Tom Brady packing, a dream of the Panther ever since the 2001 AFC Championship game.  Here is the outline of the deal.

BAYSIDE TIGERS GET:

Tom Brady

CJ Spiller

Antonio Brown

Ryan Tannehill

FORGOTTEN GODS GET:

Robert Griffin III

Victor Cruz

Ray Rice

Jarrett Boykin

While Brady, Cruz, Spiller, and Rice are names that would make headlines in any deal, they have underperformed thus far this season.  Both franchises are hoping that a change of scenery will help improve their play.  

JESSIE SPANO WINS DANCING WITH THE STARS. PERIOD.

Simply a stunning performance by a Bayside Alum.  Jessie Spano just dominated Dancing with the Stars.  Watching this video is like watching someone put up a record performance that you know will just never be broken.  This is what it must have been like watching Cy Young record his 511th win or seeing Wilt Chamberlain score 100 points.  It's one of those performances that years from now, people will ask "Where were you when..." and everyone will know the answer.  It's pure greatness in motion.

P.S.  Rumor has it that the Jive Pills are becoming a disturbing trend in the HHSFFL and a formal investigation is likely to be launched soon.

KEARNEY VORES TEARING UP

Oops...I mean tearing it up.  Sorry.  Honest mistake.  I was still laughing about a recent conference call with the Kearney Vores front office in which team officials were complaining about not getting enough press after winning five games in a row.  So here you go.

The Kearney Vores have won five games in a row and they want everyone to know about it.  They are on top of their division now and inside the top 8.  They're awesome.  I need to get a Kearney Vores jersey.  As for the standings a division lead puts them in the playoffs.  Therefore, they are no longer no the outside creepily looking in.  They are inside creepily looking out.  However, it remains to be seen how long they'll stay there.  They have bye week issues against a strong Kane is Able team and their first round pick is out for the next 3-5 weeks.  If Kane is Able wants to play some defense...picking up Foles off the waiver wire would be a sly move.

TMIFFTITW MAKES HHSFFL HISTORY

The Most Interesting Fantasy Football Team in the World accomplished what the Tigers only hoped to accomplish and they did it without an ounce of bravado or trash talk...the way a classy organization should.  Crippled by bye weeks, TMIFFTITW elected it would be more prudent to start only seven players than to drop some key members in favor of waiver wire pick ups.  It didn't matter.  TY Hilton and Ben Roethlisberger nearly carried the team to victory on their own.  President of Player Personnel, Demetrius Williams, tweeted that "Some players are simply at their best when their team needs them the most."  

Necessary Roughness, horribly embarrassed by the loss (and rightfully so) has refused to comment.  This is not the first time a team has started a shorthanded line up, but it is the first time a team has won with one.  

WEEK 8 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK EIGHT POWER RANKINGS 

1. Shake & Bake - Averaging almost 100 points per week and 27 farts per day.
2. Little Giants - Owner being investigated for sending creepy selfies to Peyton Manning.
3. Green Monster - Two straight losses...but still one of only two teams with 6 wins.  
4. Morlock Nation - A master of the waiver wire and scratching himself.
5. Mean Machine - On pace for the biggest cupcake schedule in the history of the HHSFFL.
6. Mad Men - Doug Martin...Nice pick up.
7. Delta House - In serious contention for mediocrity.
8. Kearney Vores - On the outside looking in...very creepily.
9. Necessary Roughness - Master of weak trade offers...and skid marks.
10. Kane is Able - I'm not putting any team with QB#6 in my top 8.
11. Bayside High Tigers - Maybe try starting a full line up this week...just a thought.
12. Vandalay Industries - This is where receivers go to die.  
13. Cobra Kai Dojo - At least the fantasy soccer season should be starting soon.
14. TMIFFTITW - Tough loss last week...this week's loss should be easier.
15. Forgotten Gods - Even money on Steelers or Gods finishing the season with more wins. 
16. Hawkeye Nation - Perhaps its time for a new hobby.

PROJECTED: 102 POINTS

Actual Score:  36 Points

Hey projections guy....FUCK YOU.  Seriously, if anyone else in any other profession missed their target number by 70% they wouldn't have a job anymore.  Get your shit together.

You may recall that last week I gave my own projections for five random players.  According to my projections those players should have scored a combined 60 points.  Here's what actually happened.

Peyton Manning:  20 Points
Maurice Jones Drew:  11 Points
DeSean Jackson:  6 Points
Josh Gordon:  22 Points
Joseph Randle:  3 Points

TOTAL:  63 Points

Why is it that a slob like me can take a total shot in the dark with zero research about match ups, game plans, etc. and come within 3 points, but the frigging "experts" can't come close.  I mean, I get it.  My team sucks.  So shouldn't that be reflected in the projections?

KARMA...

...IS A BITCH!

FORGOTTEN GODS HAVING FORGETTABLE SEASON

The Gods are having a tough go this season and attendance is suffering.  In an attempt to put more fans in the seats, management has offered freeing free ice cream to fans this weekend.  This is an effective ad campaign, right?

SHAKE & BAKE FEELING UNEASY

Shake & Bake seems to be getting a bit nervous.  Management is throwing out lame duck trades that just wreak of fear.  Looks like someone is downright terrified of losing to a shorthanded team.   Kenbrell Tompkins and Bilal Powell for Victor Cruz?  Seriously?  Do I look that desperate, bro?

BAYSIDE SHOWS PURE DISRESPECT FOR SHAKE & BAKE

In the ultimate move of disrespect, the Bayside Tigers are only planning to start 8 players this weekend against the Shake & Bake.  Principal Belding tweeted this afternoon that "We do not fear the poorly managed Shake & Bake.  We are going to bitch slap them with 8 players this week."  Bye weeks have forced the Tigers to sit Ray Rice, Chris Johnson, and Antonio Gates.  After trading for the injured Randall Cobb the Tigers are holding onto two injured players - the other being Daily Show host Jonathan Stewart.  It's a risky move to use two roster spots on injured players, but if this team is healthy when the playoffs start, look out.  In the meantime, however, the Shake & Bake must be nervous.  I can't imagine anything more demeaning than losing to a team that didn't start a full line up.  I hope Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton aren't losing too much sleep over it.  A win by Bayside would be the ultimate bitch slap.

FLAWED PROJECTIONS

Ray Rice - Projected 12, Scores 6
Justin Blackmon - Projected 15, Scores 5
Victor Cruz - Projected 15, Scores 5
Antonio Gates - Projected 12, Scores 3
Austin Pettis - Projected 10, Scores 1
Alex Henery - Projected 12, Scores 3

WHO IN THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE OF THESE PROJECTIONS AND WHY DO THEY THINK MY TEAM IS SO GOOD?

I see my projected score each week and I feel all types of confident heading into each match up.  Whoever is in charge of these projections and rankings obviously thinks my team is awesome...which means they are clearly a fucking moron.  So what I would like to know is how are these projections developed?  What is the process?  It can't possibly be anything even remotely scientific or mathematical.  It has to be entirely random, right?  It's got to be some guy in a blind fold through darts at a board.  There's no way you could be the far off this often.  I've done zero studying...here are my projections of 5 random players...guaranteed to be closer than ESPNs.

Peyton Manning - 26 Points (ESPN Projects 31)
Maurice Jones Drew - 4 Points (ESPN Projects 10)
Desean Jackson - 5 Points (ESPN Projects 15)
Josh Gordon - 19 Points (ESPN Projects 4)
Joseph Randle - 6 Points (ESPN Projects 15)

HOW THE HELL IS MEAN MACHINE 6-1?

I'm very confused by this.  Mean Machine has only scored over 90 points once in seven weeks, yet they sit at 6-1 on top of the Jenny Dell Division.  Oh, wait, it's because their last five opponents have all failed to reach 70 points.  What kind of a cupcake schedule is that?  Weakest 6-1 team in the league.  I'm picking Necessary Roughness to upset them this week.

On a side note...Necessary Roughness should have renamed their team the Texas State Armadillos.  Necessary Roughness is a solid movie reference, but it's just grammatically awkward.  It's like the Heat or the Lightning...just plain awkward.  Let's say they pick up a player on the waiver wire...am I supposed to say Jake Locker is proud to be a Roughness?  Lets say they have a couple players have career days...am I supposed to say that three Roughnesses carried the team to victory?  It's just weird.  Clearly wasn't thought out at all.  There's a reason this team is on the outside looking in.

MANNING FAMILY DINNER

Do you think that Eli Manning's mother ever asks him to pass anything at the dinner table if Peyton is there?  I'll bet it goes something like this...

Mom:  "Eli, can you pass the gravy?"
Dad:  "Better let Peyton do it."

TEXAS STATE ARMORED ARMADILLOS

After a 1-4 start, the SPORT OF KINGS (did anyone else hate the ALL CAPS as much as I did?) have cleaned house and hired Coach "Straight Arrow" Genero to run their program.  Known for running a clean, disciplined program, Coach Genero brings back the days of iron man football, where players play both offense and defense.  Defensive coordinator Walter Rig and quarterback coach Scott Bakula plan to shake things up and turn the season around.  No word yet on whether soccer standout Kathy Ireland offensive lineman Manu Manumana will join the team.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK SIX POWER RANKINGS 

1. Green Monster - Don't be distracted by the owners lack of style.  This team can play.
2. Mean Machine - Keeps finding ways to win...still hasn't found time to floss.
3. Mad Men - Jones gone for year.  Ryan on a bye week.  Still gets high point total.
4. Little Giants - Ryan Matthews trade looking better this week.
5. Shake & Bake - Team keeps scoring.  Owner keeps farting.  
6. Morlock Nation - Your guidance counselor was right...you're extremely average.
7. Bayside High Tigers - Ran out of salsa this week.
8. Delta House - Better than last year...but still not good.
9. Kane is Able - Anyone hear that popping sound?  Was it Cobb's leg or your playoff hopes?
10. Kearney Vores - On the outside looking in...very creepily.
11. Vandalay Industries - Might be developing a latex allergy.
12. TMIFFTITW - Nothing interesting here.
13. Cobra Kai Dojo - Sensei Kreese seems to have gambled away all of the talent.
14. Necessary Roughness - On the bright side, fantasy hockey season is starting.  
15. Hawkeye Nation - Made a statement last week...the statement was "We are terrible."
16. Forgotten Gods - I'm not mad...I'm just disappointed.  

EXCUSE ME, TERRY SILVER...

ICE BOX GUARANTEE

Shawna Waldron, AKA Becky "Ice Box" O'Shea, has guaranteed victory this week over Delta House.  Danny O'Shea's team is riding the Manning wave right now while the Deltas look like they are suffering from Montezuma's Revenge ever since seeing former teammate Tony Romo light it up for the Green Monster.  While they haven't admitted it publicly, the Delta's reportedly regret their decision to draft Cam Newton over Romo this year.  Team President John Blutarsky was photographed sporting a Romo replica jersey during the Monday night game last week and, according to Romo's agent, has repeatedly called Romo's house and hung up without saying a word.  

BAYSIDE FANS CELEBRATE

The Tigers are very excited to welcome Ray Rice back to Bayside High.  Just look at the Bayside student body dancing with joy.

        

COBRA KAI WELCOMES RIDLEY AND SHORTS III

Cobra Kai Dojo has made a blockbuster trade, sending Ray Rice and Coby Fleener to Bayside in exchange for Stevan Ridley and Cecil Shorts III.  The move brings depth at receiver to the Dojo while giving the Tigers more strength at running back so most analysts are calling it a win for both clubs.  The Dojo, however, feels they got the better end of the deal.  

Sensei Kreese, currently on a sabbatical from the team to receive treatment for a gambling addiction, could not be reached for comment.  Terry Silva, however, was able to take a few minutes away from the All Valley Karate Tournament to speak with us.  "Ray Rice shows too much weakness." Silva stated.  "There just isn't any room in the Dojo for mercy.  Mr. Ridley and Mr. Shorts bring new techniques to the Dojo, not just that weak crane crap.  Now the real pain begins."  

JULIO JONES OUT FOR THE SEASON

Julio Jones received a second opinion on his fractured foot today and has elected to undergo season-ending surgery.  This leaves the Mad Men in some deep trouble who have lost their best player after a pedestrian 2-3 start.  All may not be lost though as the Maria Stephanos Division is like the NFC East.  In fact, if the playoffs started tomorrow, the Mad Men would be the 4th seed.  Still, I'm not sure that's enough to settle Mr. Draper's stomach.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS

Well, it didn't take long to fall behind the power rankings.  But better late than never.  Here's the week 5 update.  Some big moves made in the last few weeks.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS 

1. Green Monster - 5-0 Speaks for itself.
2. Mean Machine - Not sure how this team is 4-1, but they are.  
3. Little Giants - Peyton Manning.  
4. Shake & Bake - Second in points scored...victim of match ups.  Oh, and Moreno was a nice pick.
5. Bayside High Tigers - Winners of two in a row since learning to salsa dance.  
6. Vandalay Industries - Steady, steady, steady.  
7. Kane is Able - Those last two rushing yards from Russell Wilson were huuuuuuuuuge.
8. Delta House - Still missing Tony Romo.
9. Mad Men - Just lost Julio Jones for the year, but still in first place.
10. Hawkeye Nation - Gambled on Vick.  Might have lost.
11. Morlock Nation - Burn in Hell, Jacquizz.
12. Kearney Vores - Injuries hurt them early...could be on the rise now though.
13. TMIFFTITW - Definition of inconsistency.
14. Cobra Kai Dojo - I spoke too soon.  Rookie receivers and poor quarterback play. 
15. Forgotten Gods - Other than Graham, the rest of the Gods are pretty forgettable.  
16. Sport of Kings - Ewwwwwww.  

A PERIOD OF SELF REFLECTION

I'm not sure I like who I become during fantasy football season.  I'm fairly certain I turn into an awful human being, wishing terribly violent things on people who don't deserve it.  This week I hate Jacquizz Rodgers.  I've never met him.  He's never done anything to personally wrong me.  In fact, I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy.  I'll bet he even spends some of his time doing charity work and visiting kids hospitals and stuff.

But I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns right now.  He didn't hurt anyone.  He just went out and did his job better than he has all season at a time that happened to be inopportune for me.  And I find myself wishing horrible things on him because of it.  I was expecting to win the high point total this week.  I didn't think there was any way Rodgers would make up the 14 points Morlock Nation needed going into Monday night.  I thought this was my shot to win back a little bit of the money I so generously donated to the pot five weeks ago.  But no.  Fucking Jacquizz Rodgers has the Goddamn game of his life.  Burn in hell, Jacquizz.  Burn in hell.

THANK YOU SPORT OF KINGS

For releasing Pierre Thomas last week.  He is a welcomed addition to the Bayside High Tigers and his two touchdowns on Sunday helped us avenge a 48 point blow out from last year.  The generosity you showed in releasing a starting running back in favor of a washed up wide receiver that hasn't caught a ball in almost two years does not go unnoticed.  Karma is certainly on your side.  Your charitable nature truly is an example for others to follow.

MR. CRUZ...WELCOME TO BAYSIDE

Breaking news from the HHSFFL late last night.  Victor Cruz has been traded to the Bayside High Tigers in exchange for Ryan Matthews.  Cruz has been mediocre after a big week one outburst so hopefully a change of scenery does him some good.  The pressure will be on for Cruz to perform right away, as the Tigers paid a hefty price to get him.  Starting running backs are like gold.  And while Matthews hasn't had that big game yet, he's a guaranteed 16-20 carries per game and he's the only Tigers RB with a touchdown this year.

Matthews was reached for comment early this morning, before Team President Gerald Belding was able to inform him of the news.  After all, it was a non-school night.  Matthews was a bit offended that he had been dealt so early in the season, but his mood lightened when he realized he was going to play for Coach O'Shea.  "With the Ice Box [Becky O'Shea] and me in the backfield, we can finally run the Annexation of Puerto Rico correctly."  No confirmation yet on whether or not they'll be able to install that package before today's matchup with the Forgotten Gods, but Matthews is optimistic.  "I've been a fan of the Coach O'Shea ever since their legendary match up with the Cowboys 20 years ago in Urbana, Ohio.  I know all of the responsibilities so if Coach O'Shea wants to put it in, I'm ready."

Cruz was unable to be reached by phone, but released the following statement on his twitter feed last night.  "Thank god I'm getting away from the Ice Box.  She's a mean drunk."  Cruz is reportedly healing from several minor injuries from multiple "falls" during his time with the Giants and his questionable for today's game.

DELTA HOUSE OFF TO A HOT START

The Delta House have found themselves off to a fantastic start this season.  At 2-1 they stand atop their division and boast the best offense in the HHSFFL.  Team President John "Bluto" Blutarski finally feels he has built himself a championship caliber roster, despite not drafting ownerships' personal mancrush, Tony Romo, who was apparently deeply saddened by the decision.

There have been unconfirmed reports that team officials awakened several times last week to find Romo playing Your Eyes on a boom box outside their bedroom window.  It's beginning to get a bit creepy.  Yesterday, team ownership returned home to find a framed portrait of Romo in the "Costanza Pose" and, after briefly admiring it's likeness, felt the need to release the following statement.  "What Tony and I had was great while it lasted.  A part of me will always love Tony.  But we are just different people and it's time to move on.  I think Cam [Newton] is really good for me right now and I want to explore where this relationship takes us.  I wish Tony all the best and hope he can find happiness with the Green Monsters.  Honestly, it's not him.  It's me." 

As luck would have it, Romo will have to face his former team this weekend while their new star quarterback sits out with a bye week.  I mean, could this possibly be written any more perfectly?  You can't make this stuff up (actually, I can, but still).  This is a match up that's just drenched in drama.   It's like running into an ex-girlfriend and hoping you walk away feeling better than she does.  And that's tough to do when you don't have your hot new wife there to show off and validate you.  It just leaves you feeling like no matter what you didn't get the upper hand in that exchange.  I suspect that's how the Delta House will feel heading into this weekend.  Romo could go out and throw for 300+ with 3TDs while Newton sits on the sideline practicing how not to make the Paul Pierce face every time something goes wrong.  If so, Delta House will feel like that ex has only gotten hotter and is dating someone with way more money.  On the other hand, if Romo plays like Romo can, going 14-29 with 3 picks, Delta House might feel more like they ran into the ex that's gained 40 pounds and developed a drug problem. Either way, it's going be fun to watch.