PURE CLASS

I was trying to find a copy of the video where Kathy Ireland burped the ABCs at the Miss America Preliminaries but I couldn't get it to embed.  So I happened to stumble across this gem with Ireland on with David Letterman just after she graced the cover of the 1992 SI Swimsuit Issue.  Letterman has never been happier for a 10-minute span in his life and who could blame him.

STUNNING REVELATION

I woke up this morning with a depressing revelation.  I think I am the Jerry Jones of the HHSFFL.  Take a look at these similarities.

• The Cowboys have won exactly one playoff game in the last 17 years.  I'm pretty sure that Teen Wolf was the in theaters the last time the Bayside High Tigers made the playoffs.
• Jones still hates Jimmy Johnson so much that he refuses to let him into the Cowboys Ring of Honor.  I have written 47 pieces of hate mail to Larry Fitzgerald for his meaningless 70-yard touchdown in the snow back in 2008.  And those are just the ones I send this week.
• Jones wants so badly to make headlines through personnel moves that his son literally had to rip the Johnny Manziel Draft Sheet out of his hands last April.  I decided to bank my entire season on a pot-smoking car salesman.
• Jerry Jones is a god-awful GM, yet he refuses to blame himself for any of Dallas' shortcomings over the last two decades.  I, too, build shitty teams that grossly underperform.  Do you think there is any way in hell that Malcom Floyd would have caught a touchdown if he had stayed with the Tigers?  I swear playing for Bayside is the fantasy football version of sleeping with Good Luck Chuck.
• And, of course, there's the obvious comparison that both Jones and I have an impeccable fashion sense, a flair for the dramatic, and great teeth.  

So this begs the question, if I'm Jerry Jones, which owner would you be?  More to come.

INTRODUCING "THE FLOWER POT"

Owners of the HHSFFL, I present to you...The Flower Pot.  This strangely feminine water bottle was left behind at the HHSFFL Draft and has gone unclaimed.  Therefore, I am invoking commissioner's privilege and naming this floral canister "The Flower Pot" which shall henceforth be awarded to the team with the worst record and the end of each regular season.  The award shall be presented at the 2015 HHSFFL Draft and the recipient may not drink from any other container until the conclusion of the draft.

FIVE BURNING QUESTIONS FOR WEEK 1

1.)  What rookie will make the biggest immediate impact?
I'll give you a hint, it's not Sammy Watkins.  He hasn't participated in practice since injuring his ribs and he has a JV call up playing quarterback.  You can cross of Manziel.  It's clearly Hoyer-Time in Cleveland.  Man that town really knows a winner when they see one.  Brandin Cooks seems to be a popular choice as the clear-cut third receiver in a pass-heavy offense.  But I'm going to go with Jeremy Hill as the guy.  Gio Bernard is going to be a solid third-down back, but Hill will steal some carries on early downs.

2.)  Who is most likely to make a butt-fumble-esqe play?
The go-to choices like Dirty Sanchez and Blaine Gabbart aren't likely to see the field this week.  Normally I'd be jumping on the QB#6 bandwagon here, but that's not his M.O.  He usually just cries and hopes for Brandon Marshall to bail him out.  So I'm going to go with Trent Richardson because I'm pretty sure Manti Teo's girlfriend could tackle him in the open field.  He's quickly replacing QB#6 on my disrespect list.

3.)  Will Cobra Kai break 40 points?
Seriously.  I'm concerned.

4.)  Are the Little Giants for real this year?
I don't know what it is about this team.  After making their first playoff appearance in franchise history last year, I feel like this team is well-positioned to make another.  They are learning how to win.  I don't know what it is, but I've got a feeling, and I'm not the only one.  And yes, I just quoted Sheryl Crow.  What are you gonna do about it?

5.)  Whose water bottle is this and are they brave enough to claim it?
I'm deeply concerned.  This floral masterpiece was left at the draft by someone.  I'm not sure which teams owner was so fearful of dehydration that they were willing to sacrifice all dignity and tote this little number around with them, but disciplinary action may have to be taken.  Honestly, this has to be a major violation of the HHSFFL personal conduct policy.

DRAFT GRADES: CHRISTIE BRINKLEY DIVISION

HAWKEYE NATION
Rotowire Prediction:  11 Wins
Shady McCoy is going to have a monster year.  He'll lead the league in yards from scrimmage.  The question will be can he find the end zone often enough to be worthy of a top 3 pick.  I think he does.  In fact, I would have taken him first overall.  Not as safe as AP, but more upside I think.  After McCoy, guys like Spiller, Tate, Hopkins, and Garcon are full of uncertainty but full of upside.  Bottom line, the potential is definitely there.  It's going to be a boom or bust year for the Nation.
My Draft Grade:  B+, You could probably start your own fantasy football blog.  


MAD MEN
Rotowire Prediction:  7 Wins
In Bill We Trust.  Never has this motto been more appropriate.  With five New England Patriots on the roster, this team will go as the Patriots go.  Bye week troubles could be an issue in week 10, where Vandalay Industries will be waiting.  I do love the Brandon Marshall/AJ Green selections at 16 and 17.
My Draft Grade:  B-, It was like butchering a pig.  It was messy, but you ended up with some bacon.


COBRA KAI
Rotowire Prediction:  2 Wins
Look closely at this roster.  Tell me how many starting RBs there are.  Hold on, I'll count.  Umm...zero.  Not a single RB on this team starts in the NFL.  They must have some stud WRs though, right?  Let's count.  Nope...just and injured Sammy Watkins and a feast or famine Golden Tate.  It could be a long year for the Cobra Kai.
My Draft Grade:  F, What you just did to your team there, that was cruel, man.  Just cruel.  I mean some of those guys have children.


BAYSIDE HIGH TIGERS
Rotowire Prediction:  13 Wins
Seriously, Rotowire has predicted an undefeated season.  I've never seen that before.  Honestly though, I felt terrible about this draft.  I didn't get a single guy I had targeted.  I struggled to find a guy I liked on every pick.  Yet, the so-called experts would call this the best draft class in Bayside history.  So, apparently this means my usual draft strategy is a shitty one.
My Draft Grade:  B-, It's a lot like my golf swing lately.  I just have no idea where it's going.  

DRAFT GRADES: CINDY CRAWFORD DIVISION

VANDALAY INDUSTRIES
Rotowire Prediction:  5 Wins
Love, love, LOVE the Andre Williams pick.  This guy rushed for 2177 yards (led the nation) and 18 touchdowns last year for Boston College.  He won the Doak Walker award, was a Heisman Finalist, and set school records for rushing yards, rushing attempts, and Godzilla Burgers eaten.  How is this guy not slated in your starting line up already?  Seriously, what do you want for him?
My Draft Grade:  A+++++++, Either someone is cooking bacon or I smell a championship.


TMIFFTITW
Rotowire Prediction:  3 Wins
So the more I look at some of these rankings, the more I question my own draft strategy.  I didn't get a single player I had targeted before the draft, and most of the ones I did target ended up on Vandalay Industries and TMIFFTITW, yet Rotowire gives them terrible draft grades.  Apparently I have a shitty draft strategy and it's a good thing I didn't get any of "my guys".  I think Eddie Lacy and Randall Cobb are sure things.  I was hoping Andre Ellington and Emmanuel Sanders were going to fall a few more spots.  There is a clear weakness at QB but with 4 starting RBs this team has strength elsewhere.
My Draft Grade:  A-, Demetrius Williams seems to have found his niche as a GM.


DELTA HOUSE
Rotowire Prediction:  8 Wins
Two years ago, this team would have been a lock for the C-Cup title.  Bluto seems to have adopted the same draft strategy their owners mentor used in previous seasons.  I just don't see Manning, Morris, Cruz, Harvin, or Wayne doing anything close to what they've done the last two years.  I'm beginning to wonder if you had printed out a 2013 rankings sheet.  All that being said, there are some guys here who will still produce.
My Draft Grade:  C+, Not bad.  Not good, but not bad.  But not good.


UPPER DECKERS
Rotowire Prediction:  10 Wins
Having the number one overall pick is a lot of pressure.  You're only job is to not fuck it up.  AP is a safe choice and Keenan Allen should pick up where he left off last season.  I don't like the Jackson pick, because the guy throwing him the ball might not start for the Hillers.  Would have rather seen a better RB2 option than Pierre Thomas.  Still, it's a solid enough team that should make the playoffs.
My Draft Grade:  B+, Like an HHS guidance counselor on a high protein diet, this draft was solid.

DRAFT GRADES: ELLE MACPHERSON DIVISION

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS
Rotowire Prediction:  6 Wins
Predictably, Coach Genero went QB in the first round, grabbing Brees, and you heard it here first, I think Brees ends up with better numbers than Manning this year.  Risk vs. reward grabbing Rice in the third, but how do you not grab Bernard Pierce two rounds later?  Instead, it was a sentimental pick grabbing The Law Firm a few rounds later.  He was just released.  So now, you're going to start Roy Helu for two weeks?  That's like thinking you can get by with single-ply toilet paper.  It's just not going to cut it.
My Draft Grade:  C-, Clearly you have other plans during the playoff weeks.



MEAN MACHINE
Rotowire Prediction:  10 Wins
Upside, Upside, Upside.  Giovani Bernard is poised for a big year now that the Law Firm has been cut.  Demarco Murray will be solid and I think Fred Jackson has more left in the tank than anyone gives him credit for.  Andre Johnson will struggle because some Ivy League nerd is throwing him the ball, but I'll bet Michael Floyd surpasses Larry Fitzgerald in Arizona.  Mean Machine must have been doing more than watching porn.
My Draft Grade:  B+, Seriously, you should delete your browser history.


KEARNY VORES
Rotowire Prediction:  8 Wins
Calvin Johnson at 11.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I won't even complain I didn't get him at 12.  I'm just not sure how he dropped that far.  Stafford doesn't have eyes for anyone else.  It's kinda sweet actually.  Nice grab there, gotta hand it to you.  But I do have a follow up question.  Were you aware that Eric Decker is now playing for the Jets?  You do know that Geno Smith is now is quarterback, right?
My Draft Grade:  C+, Don't feel bad though, lots of people fear success.


SHAKE & BAKE
Rotowire Prediction:  11 Wins
I'm not sure why this team is only predicted for 11 wins.  I can't seem to figure it out.  I think Charles might drop a bit from last year, but will still produce top 5 numbers.  I dislike anyone on the steelers, but Antonio Brown is about the only passing option Roethlisburger has left.  And I think Ryan Matthews is going to continue improving on last year's success.  Seriously, what am I missing?  Ohhhh, right....haha.  How could I have missed it.  You drafted QB#6.  It's cool though, I'll bet she can't finish a whole beer either.
My Draft Grade:  F, Like drinking too much on your wedding night, you messed up a sure thing.