ICE BOX GUARANTEE

Shawna Waldron, AKA Becky "Ice Box" O'Shea, has guaranteed victory this week over Delta House.  Danny O'Shea's team is riding the Manning wave right now while the Deltas look like they are suffering from Montezuma's Revenge ever since seeing former teammate Tony Romo light it up for the Green Monster.  While they haven't admitted it publicly, the Delta's reportedly regret their decision to draft Cam Newton over Romo this year.  Team President John Blutarsky was photographed sporting a Romo replica jersey during the Monday night game last week and, according to Romo's agent, has repeatedly called Romo's house and hung up without saying a word.  

BAYSIDE FANS CELEBRATE

The Tigers are very excited to welcome Ray Rice back to Bayside High.  Just look at the Bayside student body dancing with joy.

        

COBRA KAI WELCOMES RIDLEY AND SHORTS III

Cobra Kai Dojo has made a blockbuster trade, sending Ray Rice and Coby Fleener to Bayside in exchange for Stevan Ridley and Cecil Shorts III.  The move brings depth at receiver to the Dojo while giving the Tigers more strength at running back so most analysts are calling it a win for both clubs.  The Dojo, however, feels they got the better end of the deal.  

Sensei Kreese, currently on a sabbatical from the team to receive treatment for a gambling addiction, could not be reached for comment.  Terry Silva, however, was able to take a few minutes away from the All Valley Karate Tournament to speak with us.  "Ray Rice shows too much weakness." Silva stated.  "There just isn't any room in the Dojo for mercy.  Mr. Ridley and Mr. Shorts bring new techniques to the Dojo, not just that weak crane crap.  Now the real pain begins."  

JULIO JONES OUT FOR THE SEASON

Julio Jones received a second opinion on his fractured foot today and has elected to undergo season-ending surgery.  This leaves the Mad Men in some deep trouble who have lost their best player after a pedestrian 2-3 start.  All may not be lost though as the Maria Stephanos Division is like the NFC East.  In fact, if the playoffs started tomorrow, the Mad Men would be the 4th seed.  Still, I'm not sure that's enough to settle Mr. Draper's stomach.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS

Well, it didn't take long to fall behind the power rankings.  But better late than never.  Here's the week 5 update.  Some big moves made in the last few weeks.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS 

1. Green Monster - 5-0 Speaks for itself.
2. Mean Machine - Not sure how this team is 4-1, but they are.  
3. Little Giants - Peyton Manning.  
4. Shake & Bake - Second in points scored...victim of match ups.  Oh, and Moreno was a nice pick.
5. Bayside High Tigers - Winners of two in a row since learning to salsa dance.  
6. Vandalay Industries - Steady, steady, steady.  
7. Kane is Able - Those last two rushing yards from Russell Wilson were huuuuuuuuuge.
8. Delta House - Still missing Tony Romo.
9. Mad Men - Just lost Julio Jones for the year, but still in first place.
10. Hawkeye Nation - Gambled on Vick.  Might have lost.
11. Morlock Nation - Burn in Hell, Jacquizz.
12. Kearney Vores - Injuries hurt them early...could be on the rise now though.
13. TMIFFTITW - Definition of inconsistency.
14. Cobra Kai Dojo - I spoke too soon.  Rookie receivers and poor quarterback play. 
15. Forgotten Gods - Other than Graham, the rest of the Gods are pretty forgettable.  
16. Sport of Kings - Ewwwwwww.  

A PERIOD OF SELF REFLECTION

I'm not sure I like who I become during fantasy football season.  I'm fairly certain I turn into an awful human being, wishing terribly violent things on people who don't deserve it.  This week I hate Jacquizz Rodgers.  I've never met him.  He's never done anything to personally wrong me.  In fact, I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy.  I'll bet he even spends some of his time doing charity work and visiting kids hospitals and stuff.

But I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns right now.  He didn't hurt anyone.  He just went out and did his job better than he has all season at a time that happened to be inopportune for me.  And I find myself wishing horrible things on him because of it.  I was expecting to win the high point total this week.  I didn't think there was any way Rodgers would make up the 14 points Morlock Nation needed going into Monday night.  I thought this was my shot to win back a little bit of the money I so generously donated to the pot five weeks ago.  But no.  Fucking Jacquizz Rodgers has the Goddamn game of his life.  Burn in hell, Jacquizz.  Burn in hell.

THANK YOU SPORT OF KINGS

For releasing Pierre Thomas last week.  He is a welcomed addition to the Bayside High Tigers and his two touchdowns on Sunday helped us avenge a 48 point blow out from last year.  The generosity you showed in releasing a starting running back in favor of a washed up wide receiver that hasn't caught a ball in almost two years does not go unnoticed.  Karma is certainly on your side.  Your charitable nature truly is an example for others to follow.