THE VIEW FROM THE TOP - A MEMO FROM THE OWNER OF THE LITTLE GIANTS

Greetings HHSFFL fans....I bet no one ever thought at the end of this or any other season, an original member of the league, with a reputation for picking from the Senior Center All-Stars would be in first place after the regular season.  Does it mean anything to go into the play-offs the NUMBER 1 SEED????  Hell no!!!   I know that!!

Sure I have taken my lumps over the years.  Starting off as Chico's Bail Bonds.

Or the team's stint as Stef Djordjevic Am Pipe:

Or even the time the team was called The Replacements:

(I still like this one)...but late in the season in 2013, when the program needed a lift like a dose of Viagra, a crucial team name change came about, and The Little Giants were formed.  Sure the Icebox may be a Porn Star.

Sure my team is coached by Rick Moranis.

But also remember that special play called "The Annexation of Puerto Rico" which was confirmed to greatness by John Madden.

From that point last year, there was a trip to last year's post-season, and an upset victory in the first round, before finally falling in the semi's.

Well, this year, despite not having the full attention of the draft due to way too much porn by the person next to me, and realizing I caught Kitchell more times in school doing things wrong, than the entire Bronco's receiving core had caught passes all last season!!!, I found a way to finish AT THE TOP of the HHSFFL, with a stellar 9-4 record!!!  Along the way, despite finishing 7th overall in scoring, somehow, someway, I ended up in first.  Yea...I did win the NIT once, but that is kind of like kissing your sister in the end.

Let's be clear here....a quick glance of this past season will show I never once won money for a weekly high score, and looking over the past years, never once I have ever gotten a Trophy(for anything good or bad!!).  That has to count for something...right?!?!??!

Well...the Playoffs start this week.  I look at place, and finish like I used to look at the dogs Raynham-Taunton Dog Track on sunny afternoons at college when I should have been in Biology Lab at Bridgewater like it is a gamble and a risk, but oh how much fun it is!!

No matter what the outcome of the playoffs are, I still do have way too much fun doing this each week, and after the season is over, I will be running a seminar on "How To Pick a Fantasy Football Team, While Being Distracted By Porn" for anyone who needs an extra 10 pdp's towards their Baseline BBM/DDM Benchmark!!!

MIDSEASON POWER RANKINGS

Well it's the middle of October which means the foliage is in peak season, the Golden Child could be born any day now, and the commissioner is falling behind on articles to write.  So, while I sit here and watch my third hour of pre-game coverage for the Patriots bitch-slapping of the Jets I figured it was time to hand out some midseason grades.

Now, understand that this is a process.  The grading rubric is based on a team by team analysis of evidence for 33 clearly defined elements and will be used to develop a summative evaluation of each franchise.  Franchises that are determined to need improvement will be placed on an official improvement plan, while those categorized as proficient will be encouraged to develop self-directed growth plans to improve for next season.  After all, fantasy football is an ever-changing field and the HHSFFL is consistently looking for new ways to grow.

POWER RANKINGS

1. MEAN MACHINE (5 - 1) - Talk about multi-tasking during the draft.  
2. LITTLE GIANTS (5 - 1) - Have you guys seen this?  Take a look.  Be honest...nobody saw that one coming.  Then again, leading the division after week 6 is like leading the Masters after the first day.
   
3. VANDALAY INDUSTRIES (4 - 2) - Your parents must be proud.
4. TMIFFTITW (3 - 3) - General Manager Demetrius Williams might be the Executive of the Year.
5. GREEN MONSTER (3 - 3) - Victims of a tough schedule.  Better than their record.
6. HAWKEYE NATION (4 - 2) - Benefactor of a weak division.  Worse than their record.
7. DELTA HOUSE (3 - 3) - Will ride Peyton Manning to the playoffs and then choke under pressure...because that's what Manning does.
8. COBRA KAI DOJO (3 - 3) - I owe this team a sincere apology.  I'm not going to give it to them, but I admit that I owe one.  
9. SHAKE & BAKE (3 - 3) - When the playoffs start these guys might be on the outside looking in...but not in a creepy way.  More like in a sad I didn't get invited to the party kind of way.
10. NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (3 - 3) - A bit more roughness might be necessary.  
11. BAYSIDE HIGH TIGERS (3 - 3) - That draft app was unrealistically optimistic.  
12. MORLOCK NATION (2 - 4) - Seeing this team down here is kinda like the rich kid having to get a job.  I'm secretly enjoying it....ok I'm openly enjoying it.
13. UPPER DECKERS (2 - 4) - Yep...smells like an upper decker.
14. FORGOTTEN GODS (3 - 3) - Proud to be able to contribute to one of this teams two wins.
15. MAD MEN (1 - 5) - The all Patriots fantasy team.  
16. KEARNEY VORES ( 1 - 5) - Just because you're roster sucks doesn't mean you can't fleece Flanagan for a trade.

PURE CLASS

I was trying to find a copy of the video where Kathy Ireland burped the ABCs at the Miss America Preliminaries but I couldn't get it to embed.  So I happened to stumble across this gem with Ireland on with David Letterman just after she graced the cover of the 1992 SI Swimsuit Issue.  Letterman has never been happier for a 10-minute span in his life and who could blame him.

STUNNING REVELATION

I woke up this morning with a depressing revelation.  I think I am the Jerry Jones of the HHSFFL.  Take a look at these similarities.

• The Cowboys have won exactly one playoff game in the last 17 years.  I'm pretty sure that Teen Wolf was the in theaters the last time the Bayside High Tigers made the playoffs.
• Jones still hates Jimmy Johnson so much that he refuses to let him into the Cowboys Ring of Honor.  I have written 47 pieces of hate mail to Larry Fitzgerald for his meaningless 70-yard touchdown in the snow back in 2008.  And those are just the ones I send this week.
• Jones wants so badly to make headlines through personnel moves that his son literally had to rip the Johnny Manziel Draft Sheet out of his hands last April.  I decided to bank my entire season on a pot-smoking car salesman.
• Jerry Jones is a god-awful GM, yet he refuses to blame himself for any of Dallas' shortcomings over the last two decades.  I, too, build shitty teams that grossly underperform.  Do you think there is any way in hell that Malcom Floyd would have caught a touchdown if he had stayed with the Tigers?  I swear playing for Bayside is the fantasy football version of sleeping with Good Luck Chuck.
• And, of course, there's the obvious comparison that both Jones and I have an impeccable fashion sense, a flair for the dramatic, and great teeth.  

So this begs the question, if I'm Jerry Jones, which owner would you be?  More to come.

INTRODUCING "THE FLOWER POT"

Owners of the HHSFFL, I present to you...The Flower Pot.  This strangely feminine water bottle was left behind at the HHSFFL Draft and has gone unclaimed.  Therefore, I am invoking commissioner's privilege and naming this floral canister "The Flower Pot" which shall henceforth be awarded to the team with the worst record and the end of each regular season.  The award shall be presented at the 2015 HHSFFL Draft and the recipient may not drink from any other container until the conclusion of the draft.

FIVE BURNING QUESTIONS FOR WEEK 1

1.)  What rookie will make the biggest immediate impact?
I'll give you a hint, it's not Sammy Watkins.  He hasn't participated in practice since injuring his ribs and he has a JV call up playing quarterback.  You can cross of Manziel.  It's clearly Hoyer-Time in Cleveland.  Man that town really knows a winner when they see one.  Brandin Cooks seems to be a popular choice as the clear-cut third receiver in a pass-heavy offense.  But I'm going to go with Jeremy Hill as the guy.  Gio Bernard is going to be a solid third-down back, but Hill will steal some carries on early downs.

2.)  Who is most likely to make a butt-fumble-esqe play?
The go-to choices like Dirty Sanchez and Blaine Gabbart aren't likely to see the field this week.  Normally I'd be jumping on the QB#6 bandwagon here, but that's not his M.O.  He usually just cries and hopes for Brandon Marshall to bail him out.  So I'm going to go with Trent Richardson because I'm pretty sure Manti Teo's girlfriend could tackle him in the open field.  He's quickly replacing QB#6 on my disrespect list.

3.)  Will Cobra Kai break 40 points?
Seriously.  I'm concerned.

4.)  Are the Little Giants for real this year?
I don't know what it is about this team.  After making their first playoff appearance in franchise history last year, I feel like this team is well-positioned to make another.  They are learning how to win.  I don't know what it is, but I've got a feeling, and I'm not the only one.  And yes, I just quoted Sheryl Crow.  What are you gonna do about it?

5.)  Whose water bottle is this and are they brave enough to claim it?
I'm deeply concerned.  This floral masterpiece was left at the draft by someone.  I'm not sure which teams owner was so fearful of dehydration that they were willing to sacrifice all dignity and tote this little number around with them, but disciplinary action may have to be taken.  Honestly, this has to be a major violation of the HHSFFL personal conduct policy.

DRAFT GRADES: CHRISTIE BRINKLEY DIVISION

HAWKEYE NATION
Rotowire Prediction:  11 Wins
Shady McCoy is going to have a monster year.  He'll lead the league in yards from scrimmage.  The question will be can he find the end zone often enough to be worthy of a top 3 pick.  I think he does.  In fact, I would have taken him first overall.  Not as safe as AP, but more upside I think.  After McCoy, guys like Spiller, Tate, Hopkins, and Garcon are full of uncertainty but full of upside.  Bottom line, the potential is definitely there.  It's going to be a boom or bust year for the Nation.
My Draft Grade:  B+, You could probably start your own fantasy football blog.  


MAD MEN
Rotowire Prediction:  7 Wins
In Bill We Trust.  Never has this motto been more appropriate.  With five New England Patriots on the roster, this team will go as the Patriots go.  Bye week troubles could be an issue in week 10, where Vandalay Industries will be waiting.  I do love the Brandon Marshall/AJ Green selections at 16 and 17.
My Draft Grade:  B-, It was like butchering a pig.  It was messy, but you ended up with some bacon.


COBRA KAI
Rotowire Prediction:  2 Wins
Look closely at this roster.  Tell me how many starting RBs there are.  Hold on, I'll count.  Umm...zero.  Not a single RB on this team starts in the NFL.  They must have some stud WRs though, right?  Let's count.  Nope...just and injured Sammy Watkins and a feast or famine Golden Tate.  It could be a long year for the Cobra Kai.
My Draft Grade:  F, What you just did to your team there, that was cruel, man.  Just cruel.  I mean some of those guys have children.


BAYSIDE HIGH TIGERS
Rotowire Prediction:  13 Wins
Seriously, Rotowire has predicted an undefeated season.  I've never seen that before.  Honestly though, I felt terrible about this draft.  I didn't get a single guy I had targeted.  I struggled to find a guy I liked on every pick.  Yet, the so-called experts would call this the best draft class in Bayside history.  So, apparently this means my usual draft strategy is a shitty one.
My Draft Grade:  B-, It's a lot like my golf swing lately.  I just have no idea where it's going.