PLAYER NEWS

With the draft just days away at this point, I thought it would be a good idea to give some updates on a few key players expected to go in the early rounds on Thursday night.  

DISCLOSURE:  These comments are mostly fictional, fairly stupid, and completely irrelevant.  

1.)  Adrian Peterson - The NFL is looking into allegations that his ACL was repaired last year using some form of advanced alien technology.  No word yet as to whether this will fall under the league's PED policy.

2.)  Calvin Johnson - Seeking to break his own record for the all time receiving mark of tackles inside the 1-yard line.

3.)  Ray Rice - Rice got into a heated argument with a club bouncer this weekend.  Fortunately he couldn't reach the bouncers head to throw a punch, so the two resolved the matter peacefully.

4.)  LeSean McCoy - Spent his off-season tormenting the Hatfield family.

5.)  Arian Foster - I'm sure the 405 carries last year won't slow him down  much.

6.)  Maurice Jones-Drew - Taller, slimmer version of Ray Rice

7.)  Aaron Rodgers - Hey, we all believed Ryan Braun, right?

8.)  Cam Newton - Reportedly dealing with self-doubt and self-esteem issues after being called out by a 9-year old.  See the film here.  http://youtu.be/6aKYZFcmAmU

9.)  A.J. Green - I'm still not used to seeing top-level talent on the Bengals.  

10.)  Rob Gronkowski - Has reportedly lost 173N of force off his TD spikes due to back surgery.  He's working hard to get back to mid-season form.