MR. CRUZ...WELCOME TO BAYSIDE

Breaking news from the HHSFFL late last night.  Victor Cruz has been traded to the Bayside High Tigers in exchange for Ryan Matthews.  Cruz has been mediocre after a big week one outburst so hopefully a change of scenery does him some good.  The pressure will be on for Cruz to perform right away, as the Tigers paid a hefty price to get him.  Starting running backs are like gold.  And while Matthews hasn't had that big game yet, he's a guaranteed 16-20 carries per game and he's the only Tigers RB with a touchdown this year.

Matthews was reached for comment early this morning, before Team President Gerald Belding was able to inform him of the news.  After all, it was a non-school night.  Matthews was a bit offended that he had been dealt so early in the season, but his mood lightened when he realized he was going to play for Coach O'Shea.  "With the Ice Box [Becky O'Shea] and me in the backfield, we can finally run the Annexation of Puerto Rico correctly."  No confirmation yet on whether or not they'll be able to install that package before today's matchup with the Forgotten Gods, but Matthews is optimistic.  "I've been a fan of the Coach O'Shea ever since their legendary match up with the Cowboys 20 years ago in Urbana, Ohio.  I know all of the responsibilities so if Coach O'Shea wants to put it in, I'm ready."

Cruz was unable to be reached by phone, but released the following statement on his twitter feed last night.  "Thank god I'm getting away from the Ice Box.  She's a mean drunk."  Cruz is reportedly healing from several minor injuries from multiple "falls" during his time with the Giants and his questionable for today's game.

DELTA HOUSE OFF TO A HOT START

The Delta House have found themselves off to a fantastic start this season.  At 2-1 they stand atop their division and boast the best offense in the HHSFFL.  Team President John "Bluto" Blutarski finally feels he has built himself a championship caliber roster, despite not drafting ownerships' personal mancrush, Tony Romo, who was apparently deeply saddened by the decision.

There have been unconfirmed reports that team officials awakened several times last week to find Romo playing Your Eyes on a boom box outside their bedroom window.  It's beginning to get a bit creepy.  Yesterday, team ownership returned home to find a framed portrait of Romo in the "Costanza Pose" and, after briefly admiring it's likeness, felt the need to release the following statement.  "What Tony and I had was great while it lasted.  A part of me will always love Tony.  But we are just different people and it's time to move on.  I think Cam [Newton] is really good for me right now and I want to explore where this relationship takes us.  I wish Tony all the best and hope he can find happiness with the Green Monsters.  Honestly, it's not him.  It's me." 

As luck would have it, Romo will have to face his former team this weekend while their new star quarterback sits out with a bye week.  I mean, could this possibly be written any more perfectly?  You can't make this stuff up (actually, I can, but still).  This is a match up that's just drenched in drama.   It's like running into an ex-girlfriend and hoping you walk away feeling better than she does.  And that's tough to do when you don't have your hot new wife there to show off and validate you.  It just leaves you feeling like no matter what you didn't get the upper hand in that exchange.  I suspect that's how the Delta House will feel heading into this weekend.  Romo could go out and throw for 300+ with 3TDs while Newton sits on the sideline practicing how not to make the Paul Pierce face every time something goes wrong.  If so, Delta House will feel like that ex has only gotten hotter and is dating someone with way more money.  On the other hand, if Romo plays like Romo can, going 14-29 with 3 picks, Delta House might feel more like they ran into the ex that's gained 40 pounds and developed a drug problem. Either way, it's going be fun to watch.

SENSEI KREESE TO TAKE A LEAVE OF ABSENCE

What in the hell happened to the Cobra Kai Dojo this weekend?  What kind of a performance was that?  And why the hell do I never get to play the team that fails to score 50 points?  The HHSFFL has been under scrutiny to launch an investigation into a possible point-shaving incident concerning the Cobra Kai Dojo.  Multiple sources have reported that Sensei Kreese is battling a severe gambling addiction and may have put heavy action against his own team last week.  While that is still speculation, it would help explain the teams poor performance, and the fact that this guy was recently picked up off the waiver wire.

Dojo ownership could not be reached directly for comment, but did release the following statement via e-mail.

"John Kreese is taking a leave of absence to address a personal matter.  The Cobra Kai organization both respects and supports Aldon, I mean, John's decision and commends him for taking responsibility for his actions.  The long-term well-being of our personnel is paramount and we will stand by John as he works toward addressing this issue.  Due to the private nature of the matter, we will have no further comment."

No time table has been set as for Kreese's return to the sideline but we will keep you updated as new information becomes available.  The Dojo prepares to battle a fellow cellar-dwellar in the Bayside High Tigers this week.

GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND POST SOMETHING

Hey Commish,

Get off your lazy ass and post something.  Just because your team sucks (again) doesn't mean you have to give up on the season after 3 weeks.  Get it together.  I mean, just because you lost to a team that didn't even start a full line up doesn't mean you have to go into hiding.  Yeah, you should be completely ashamed of yourself and totally embarrassed, but that's no reason to quit.  I mean, just look at the Browns.  (Editor's Note:  How much would it suck to be a Cleveland fan?)   Do you think anyone told Brian Hoyer the season was over?  Hell no.  If you're feeling down, just ask yourself...What would Jay Cutler do?

Sincerely,
Anonymous HHSFFL Owner

WEEK 2 POWER RANKINGS

So let me start by saying that there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to update these every week.  But I'm setting the lofty goal of doing the HHSFFL Power Rankings every two weeks.

We've seen two weeks of action so far and if I had to choose one word to describe the season thus far it would be "inconsistency".  Teams that put up huge numbers in week one played dismally in week two and vice versa.  Any good league strives for parody and that's what we seem to have so far this season.

WEEK TWO POWER RANKINGS 

1. Cobra Kai Dojo - I can't believe I'm saying this.  Jay, I was wrong.  It takes a big man to apologize and I'm not going to pretend to be that man so don't hold your breath.  But I'll admit the rookie wide receives are working out well so far.  It seems I graded your draft too harshly.
2. Vandalay Industries - They're 2-0 and getting steady production from the entire lineup.
3. Green Monster - Adrian Peterson is going to bust loose very soon for one of those 180 yard, 3TD days.
4. Mad Men - One of only two teams to score over 100 points in both weeks.
5. Hawkeye Nation - Monster year if Vick stays on the field.  
6. Kane is Able - I fucking love Randall Cobb.
7. Shake & Bake - 
8. Delta House - Still missing Tony Romo.
9. Sport of Kings - Blew their load too early.  
10. Forgotten Gods - From worst to first?  Almost.
11. Little Giants - Oh where has all the scoring gone?  (Sing that line to yourself to the melody of Paula Cole's "Where have all the Cowboys Gone")
12. Mean Machine - Lost to the Tigers...that's low.
13. Kearney Vores - 0-2 But still outscoring the Tigers.
14. Bayside High Tigers - Scored two total touchdowns in two weeks.  Rising up from the basement, but not very far.
15. TMIFFTITW - Good thing Reggie Bush came back.  But still...0-2.
16. Morlock Nation - 0-2

INJURY UPDATES

So the injury bug seems to be hitting a lot of teams hard this season.  Here are a couple of updates.

Danny Amendola (NE) - Out 4-6 weeks with a sports hernia suffered while trying to move some of Wes Welker's old stuff out of his locker.

Steven Jackson (ATL) - Questionable return, likely out 4 weeks, with a thigh injury.  Jackson was hurt trying to squeeze out a pre-game bowel movement.

Rob Gronkowski (NE) - Still recovering from off-season back surgery to repair a herniated disk suffered while trying to break his own record of booty calls in one night.

Eddie Lacy (GB) - Out for the rest of the game with a concussion.  Lacy reportedly suffered the brain injury trying to figure out the correct down and distance after a 3 yard run on first down.

GOOD ADVICE FROM A SALTY VET

You know, I received some interesting advice on draft night regarding my team name.  A seasoned fantasy football veteran warned me that changing team names every year was dangerous.  When a team doesn't feel an allegiance to the logo on the front of their jerseys it creates a team without an identity and it kills team morale.  At the time, I dismissed the remarks as nothing more than the ramblings of a senile old man.  But perhaps this salty veteran is onto something.  Perhaps the reason that Ridley fumbled twice is my fault.  Maybe I'm the reason that the man formerly known as CJ2K had his only touchdown opportunity vultured by a backup.  And its its possible that I should be blamed for Cecil Shorts' being able to haul in only 4 of 11 Blaine Gabbert targets.

So you know what?  I'm going to heed the advice the silver-haired sage and go back to my roots...again.  After all, he's won more C-Cups than any other owner in HHSFFL history.  So, I'm going to swallow the rest of this chicken wing along with my pride and admit that I was wrong.  I will submit the proper paperwork to change the Sharknados back to the Bayside High Tigers.  I mean, I should have seen this coming.  The Sharknados were nothing more than accidental fame...kind of like a Kardashian.  The cast was a bunch of has-beens and never weres.  The Tigers, however, were a storied franchise with a supremely talented cast.  Tales of AC Slater's hair, Zach Morris' cell phone, and Kelly Kapowski's beauty are still told with the same passion and reverence today as they were two decades ago.

I mean honestly, what was I thinking?  

Hopefully it's not too late.  Hopefully the team can still muster some Bayside Pride and find a way to treat the rest of the HHSFFL like a homecoming game against Valley High.  

ROUGH START

It's been a rough start to the HHSFFL season for the Sharknados.  All the pre-season braggadocio exhibited by the Sharknado front office seems to be completely unfounded at this point.  Ownership spent the second half of last Sunday's Patriots win over the Buffalo Bills doing the same thing as their second round pick...watching the game.  Its generally not a good start to the season when a fantasy team waits until the 16th game of the weekend to score a touchdown.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The only Sharknado to step foot in the endzone last weekend was none other than Mr. Disappointing himself, Ryan Matthews.

And sure, it's just one week.  Nothing to panic about.  I'm sure Ridley will come back strong against the Jets now that Vereen is out for 10 weeks.  I mean, the Pats will probably be up big at halftime and just be looking to kill clock in the second half.  This should be an easy 100 yards and a TD game, right?  Nope....four fucking points.  But hey, on the bright side he doubled his output from week 1.  So things are looking up.

QUESTION

What do they call that 10-yard space before the goal posts on either end of the football field?  It usually has some sort of a logo painted in it.  A lot of players are always trying to get in it.  Do you know the space I'm talking about?  The end zone?  Is that what it's called?  I couldn't remember because the Sharknados haven't gotten there yet.  #flirtingwithalltimelowscore

BREAKING NEWS

THERE ARE SEVERE SHARKNADO WARNINGS ACROSS THE REGION OF THE VANDALAY INDUSTRIES HEADQUARTERS.  ALL EMPLOYEES AND TEAM PERSONNEL ARE ADVISED TO TAKE IMMEDIATE COVER.  SEEK HIGH GROUND AND STAY THERE UNTIL TUESDAY MORNING.  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

NFC SOUTH PREDICTIONS

NFC WEST PREDICTIONS

NFC NORTH PREDICTIONS

NFC EAST PREDICTIONS

AFC SOUTH PREDICTION

AFC WEST PREDICTION

AFC NORTH PREDICTION

 

If you watched Hard Knocks you know who this is...

AFC EAST PREDICTION

SEASON PREVIEW & BOLD PREDICTIONS

So it's the first Sunday of the NFL season.  All HHSFFL owners will be glued to their TVs, iPads, and smartphones, ignoring their wives, girlfriends, and children as their teams compete for this year's C-Cup.  I take this time now to give you my season predictions.

PLAYOFF TEAMS (Not in Order)
Vandalay Industries
Malibu Beach Sharknados
Forgotten Gods
Mad Men
Hawkeye Nation
Little Giants
Kane is Able
Morlock Nation

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Kane is Able defeats Hawkeye Nation

HHSFFL MVP
Adrian Peterson

BEST CHANCE TO OUT-PERFORM AP
C.J. Spiller

BIGGEST FANTASY BUSTS (Not named Matthews or McFadden)
Ray Rice
Montee Ball
Brandon Marshall
Andre Johnson
Colin Kaepernick

OTHER BOLD PREDICTIONS
- Matt Ryan will be the top fantasy QB this year.
- Julio Jones will be the top fantasy WR this year.
- Stephen Jackson will still suck and probably get injured....ok that one isn't so bold.
- Wes Welker will outscore Demarius Thomas
- Chris Johnson once again becomes CJ2K...think "Dark Knight Rises" type return.
- Reggie Bush racks up over 2000 yards from scrimmage...but they still won't give his his Heisman back.
- Johnny Manziel finds humility after being called a "turd" by the greatest quarterback in NFL history.
- Greco continues blogging even after he sees how poorly a team he drafted....definition of bold right there.

ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS IS?

  

That would be none other than Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea.  It seams the Little Giants linebacker has grown up a bit.  Not really sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing for Coach Danny O'Shea at the rest of the organization.  After a monster performance by Peyton Manning in the season opener the Little Giants Locker room has to be feeling very confident about their chances this year.  It remains to be seen, however, whether or not Becky's off-field activities will prove to be a distraction.  One thing is certain though...King ain't fuckin' around this year.  

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

FOOTBALL IS BACK!

Doesn't she look excited?