WEEK 8 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK EIGHT POWER RANKINGS 

1. Shake & Bake - Averaging almost 100 points per week and 27 farts per day.
2. Little Giants - Owner being investigated for sending creepy selfies to Peyton Manning.
3. Green Monster - Two straight losses...but still one of only two teams with 6 wins.  
4. Morlock Nation - A master of the waiver wire and scratching himself.
5. Mean Machine - On pace for the biggest cupcake schedule in the history of the HHSFFL.
6. Mad Men - Doug Martin...Nice pick up.
7. Delta House - In serious contention for mediocrity.
8. Kearney Vores - On the outside looking in...very creepily.
9. Necessary Roughness - Master of weak trade offers...and skid marks.
10. Kane is Able - I'm not putting any team with QB#6 in my top 8.
11. Bayside High Tigers - Maybe try starting a full line up this week...just a thought.
12. Vandalay Industries - This is where receivers go to die.  
13. Cobra Kai Dojo - At least the fantasy soccer season should be starting soon.
14. TMIFFTITW - Tough loss last week...this week's loss should be easier.
15. Forgotten Gods - Even money on Steelers or Gods finishing the season with more wins. 
16. Hawkeye Nation - Perhaps its time for a new hobby.

PROJECTED: 102 POINTS

Actual Score:  36 Points

Hey projections guy....FUCK YOU.  Seriously, if anyone else in any other profession missed their target number by 70% they wouldn't have a job anymore.  Get your shit together.

You may recall that last week I gave my own projections for five random players.  According to my projections those players should have scored a combined 60 points.  Here's what actually happened.

Peyton Manning:  20 Points
Maurice Jones Drew:  11 Points
DeSean Jackson:  6 Points
Josh Gordon:  22 Points
Joseph Randle:  3 Points

TOTAL:  63 Points

Why is it that a slob like me can take a total shot in the dark with zero research about match ups, game plans, etc. and come within 3 points, but the frigging "experts" can't come close.  I mean, I get it.  My team sucks.  So shouldn't that be reflected in the projections?

KARMA...

...IS A BITCH!

FORGOTTEN GODS HAVING FORGETTABLE SEASON

The Gods are having a tough go this season and attendance is suffering.  In an attempt to put more fans in the seats, management has offered freeing free ice cream to fans this weekend.  This is an effective ad campaign, right?

SHAKE & BAKE FEELING UNEASY

Shake & Bake seems to be getting a bit nervous.  Management is throwing out lame duck trades that just wreak of fear.  Looks like someone is downright terrified of losing to a shorthanded team.   Kenbrell Tompkins and Bilal Powell for Victor Cruz?  Seriously?  Do I look that desperate, bro?

BAYSIDE SHOWS PURE DISRESPECT FOR SHAKE & BAKE

In the ultimate move of disrespect, the Bayside Tigers are only planning to start 8 players this weekend against the Shake & Bake.  Principal Belding tweeted this afternoon that "We do not fear the poorly managed Shake & Bake.  We are going to bitch slap them with 8 players this week."  Bye weeks have forced the Tigers to sit Ray Rice, Chris Johnson, and Antonio Gates.  After trading for the injured Randall Cobb the Tigers are holding onto two injured players - the other being Daily Show host Jonathan Stewart.  It's a risky move to use two roster spots on injured players, but if this team is healthy when the playoffs start, look out.  In the meantime, however, the Shake & Bake must be nervous.  I can't imagine anything more demeaning than losing to a team that didn't start a full line up.  I hope Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton aren't losing too much sleep over it.  A win by Bayside would be the ultimate bitch slap.

FLAWED PROJECTIONS

Ray Rice - Projected 12, Scores 6
Justin Blackmon - Projected 15, Scores 5
Victor Cruz - Projected 15, Scores 5
Antonio Gates - Projected 12, Scores 3
Austin Pettis - Projected 10, Scores 1
Alex Henery - Projected 12, Scores 3

WHO IN THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE OF THESE PROJECTIONS AND WHY DO THEY THINK MY TEAM IS SO GOOD?

I see my projected score each week and I feel all types of confident heading into each match up.  Whoever is in charge of these projections and rankings obviously thinks my team is awesome...which means they are clearly a fucking moron.  So what I would like to know is how are these projections developed?  What is the process?  It can't possibly be anything even remotely scientific or mathematical.  It has to be entirely random, right?  It's got to be some guy in a blind fold through darts at a board.  There's no way you could be the far off this often.  I've done zero studying...here are my projections of 5 random players...guaranteed to be closer than ESPNs.

Peyton Manning - 26 Points (ESPN Projects 31)
Maurice Jones Drew - 4 Points (ESPN Projects 10)
Desean Jackson - 5 Points (ESPN Projects 15)
Josh Gordon - 19 Points (ESPN Projects 4)
Joseph Randle - 6 Points (ESPN Projects 15)

HOW THE HELL IS MEAN MACHINE 6-1?

I'm very confused by this.  Mean Machine has only scored over 90 points once in seven weeks, yet they sit at 6-1 on top of the Jenny Dell Division.  Oh, wait, it's because their last five opponents have all failed to reach 70 points.  What kind of a cupcake schedule is that?  Weakest 6-1 team in the league.  I'm picking Necessary Roughness to upset them this week.

On a side note...Necessary Roughness should have renamed their team the Texas State Armadillos.  Necessary Roughness is a solid movie reference, but it's just grammatically awkward.  It's like the Heat or the Lightning...just plain awkward.  Let's say they pick up a player on the waiver wire...am I supposed to say Jake Locker is proud to be a Roughness?  Lets say they have a couple players have career days...am I supposed to say that three Roughnesses carried the team to victory?  It's just weird.  Clearly wasn't thought out at all.  There's a reason this team is on the outside looking in.

MANNING FAMILY DINNER

Do you think that Eli Manning's mother ever asks him to pass anything at the dinner table if Peyton is there?  I'll bet it goes something like this...

Mom:  "Eli, can you pass the gravy?"
Dad:  "Better let Peyton do it."

TEXAS STATE ARMORED ARMADILLOS

After a 1-4 start, the SPORT OF KINGS (did anyone else hate the ALL CAPS as much as I did?) have cleaned house and hired Coach "Straight Arrow" Genero to run their program.  Known for running a clean, disciplined program, Coach Genero brings back the days of iron man football, where players play both offense and defense.  Defensive coordinator Walter Rig and quarterback coach Scott Bakula plan to shake things up and turn the season around.  No word yet on whether soccer standout Kathy Ireland offensive lineman Manu Manumana will join the team.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK SIX POWER RANKINGS 

1. Green Monster - Don't be distracted by the owners lack of style.  This team can play.
2. Mean Machine - Keeps finding ways to win...still hasn't found time to floss.
3. Mad Men - Jones gone for year.  Ryan on a bye week.  Still gets high point total.
4. Little Giants - Ryan Matthews trade looking better this week.
5. Shake & Bake - Team keeps scoring.  Owner keeps farting.  
6. Morlock Nation - Your guidance counselor was right...you're extremely average.
7. Bayside High Tigers - Ran out of salsa this week.
8. Delta House - Better than last year...but still not good.
9. Kane is Able - Anyone hear that popping sound?  Was it Cobb's leg or your playoff hopes?
10. Kearney Vores - On the outside looking in...very creepily.
11. Vandalay Industries - Might be developing a latex allergy.
12. TMIFFTITW - Nothing interesting here.
13. Cobra Kai Dojo - Sensei Kreese seems to have gambled away all of the talent.
14. Necessary Roughness - On the bright side, fantasy hockey season is starting.  
15. Hawkeye Nation - Made a statement last week...the statement was "We are terrible."
16. Forgotten Gods - I'm not mad...I'm just disappointed.  

EXCUSE ME, TERRY SILVER...

ICE BOX GUARANTEE

Shawna Waldron, AKA Becky "Ice Box" O'Shea, has guaranteed victory this week over Delta House.  Danny O'Shea's team is riding the Manning wave right now while the Deltas look like they are suffering from Montezuma's Revenge ever since seeing former teammate Tony Romo light it up for the Green Monster.  While they haven't admitted it publicly, the Delta's reportedly regret their decision to draft Cam Newton over Romo this year.  Team President John Blutarsky was photographed sporting a Romo replica jersey during the Monday night game last week and, according to Romo's agent, has repeatedly called Romo's house and hung up without saying a word.  

BAYSIDE FANS CELEBRATE

The Tigers are very excited to welcome Ray Rice back to Bayside High.  Just look at the Bayside student body dancing with joy.

        

COBRA KAI WELCOMES RIDLEY AND SHORTS III

Cobra Kai Dojo has made a blockbuster trade, sending Ray Rice and Coby Fleener to Bayside in exchange for Stevan Ridley and Cecil Shorts III.  The move brings depth at receiver to the Dojo while giving the Tigers more strength at running back so most analysts are calling it a win for both clubs.  The Dojo, however, feels they got the better end of the deal.  

Sensei Kreese, currently on a sabbatical from the team to receive treatment for a gambling addiction, could not be reached for comment.  Terry Silva, however, was able to take a few minutes away from the All Valley Karate Tournament to speak with us.  "Ray Rice shows too much weakness." Silva stated.  "There just isn't any room in the Dojo for mercy.  Mr. Ridley and Mr. Shorts bring new techniques to the Dojo, not just that weak crane crap.  Now the real pain begins."  

JULIO JONES OUT FOR THE SEASON

Julio Jones received a second opinion on his fractured foot today and has elected to undergo season-ending surgery.  This leaves the Mad Men in some deep trouble who have lost their best player after a pedestrian 2-3 start.  All may not be lost though as the Maria Stephanos Division is like the NFC East.  In fact, if the playoffs started tomorrow, the Mad Men would be the 4th seed.  Still, I'm not sure that's enough to settle Mr. Draper's stomach.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS

Well, it didn't take long to fall behind the power rankings.  But better late than never.  Here's the week 5 update.  Some big moves made in the last few weeks.

WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS 

1. Green Monster - 5-0 Speaks for itself.
2. Mean Machine - Not sure how this team is 4-1, but they are.  
3. Little Giants - Peyton Manning.  
4. Shake & Bake - Second in points scored...victim of match ups.  Oh, and Moreno was a nice pick.
5. Bayside High Tigers - Winners of two in a row since learning to salsa dance.  
6. Vandalay Industries - Steady, steady, steady.  
7. Kane is Able - Those last two rushing yards from Russell Wilson were huuuuuuuuuge.
8. Delta House - Still missing Tony Romo.
9. Mad Men - Just lost Julio Jones for the year, but still in first place.
10. Hawkeye Nation - Gambled on Vick.  Might have lost.
11. Morlock Nation - Burn in Hell, Jacquizz.
12. Kearney Vores - Injuries hurt them early...could be on the rise now though.
13. TMIFFTITW - Definition of inconsistency.
14. Cobra Kai Dojo - I spoke too soon.  Rookie receivers and poor quarterback play. 
15. Forgotten Gods - Other than Graham, the rest of the Gods are pretty forgettable.  
16. Sport of Kings - Ewwwwwww.  

A PERIOD OF SELF REFLECTION

I'm not sure I like who I become during fantasy football season.  I'm fairly certain I turn into an awful human being, wishing terribly violent things on people who don't deserve it.  This week I hate Jacquizz Rodgers.  I've never met him.  He's never done anything to personally wrong me.  In fact, I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy.  I'll bet he even spends some of his time doing charity work and visiting kids hospitals and stuff.

But I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns right now.  He didn't hurt anyone.  He just went out and did his job better than he has all season at a time that happened to be inopportune for me.  And I find myself wishing horrible things on him because of it.  I was expecting to win the high point total this week.  I didn't think there was any way Rodgers would make up the 14 points Morlock Nation needed going into Monday night.  I thought this was my shot to win back a little bit of the money I so generously donated to the pot five weeks ago.  But no.  Fucking Jacquizz Rodgers has the Goddamn game of his life.  Burn in hell, Jacquizz.  Burn in hell.

THANK YOU SPORT OF KINGS

For releasing Pierre Thomas last week.  He is a welcomed addition to the Bayside High Tigers and his two touchdowns on Sunday helped us avenge a 48 point blow out from last year.  The generosity you showed in releasing a starting running back in favor of a washed up wide receiver that hasn't caught a ball in almost two years does not go unnoticed.  Karma is certainly on your side.  Your charitable nature truly is an example for others to follow.